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Location: Sydney, Australia
Origin: The Womb of the Adulterating Madonna or Australia
Bust Size: 14AA
About me: Born around 2008 years ago in a manger in Jerusalem, after surviving a botched abortion, I was proclaimed the son of god by my adulterous mother as cover for her affair. My father and most of the population at the time were quite easily persuaded and quickly accepted my dear mother’s explanations.
Growing up I had a bunch of guy friends and a sweet, hard working prostitute. They ate up every word I said and loved my magic tricks. I even convinced them that I was bread and wine and then I made them eat me, hahaha it was hilarious. This foolery was helped by the large amounts of hallucinogenic mushrooms we consumed, that grew freely around the place. Unfortunately on this night Judas had such a bad trip he attacked and injured a roman solider. He was charged and sentenced to crucifixion, however we devised a plan and struck a deal Pontius Pilate. The deal was I would take Judas place on the cross. Pontius and I had some history, he held a vendetta against me ever since at party in our early twenties; I turned his wine into urine.
The plan was to use the fact the Roman’s are inbreed and pre-occupied with sodomy. We switched my place with a donkey dressed in sandals and robes sent him for crucifixion in my place. He was a good donkey, obedient and very popular with the adolescent boys for some reason. May he rest in peace.
Since then I’ve been roaming the globe doing odd jobs and hustling the stupid. I accidentally started World War 1 whilst drinking in a bar in Serbia. I proclaimed I was Archduke Franz Ferdinand and proceeded to remove my pants and take an almighty crap on a patrons table; the table unfortunately was occupied by a group called the Black Hand. Days later they executed Franz Ferdinand and his particularly smelly wife. (Woops)
Oh and I’m the uncredited inventor of Ping Pong or Tiny Ball Hitting as I called it. I cannot fully explain my long life, I do have two theories: The first more unlikely being I am the son of God, the second is that I am addicted and consume so many different drugs that they have some how created a life sustaining utopia inside my body. These addictions have however left my mind a quivering mess of random thought and extreme perversions. I now spend my days on YouTube looking at piñata accidents and midgets. My contributions to the site are little more than narcissistic rants and obscured reviews; I’m also part of the Sydney team.
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