No Comments Written by Uncle David Jester on April 8, 2010 – 9:00 am

Dear world,

Let me tell you a little story about what I discovered recently. Supermarkets suck and you don’t ever need to visit one again.

Poor little Gizmo. She was such a beautiful kitty. I remember how she used to sit on my lap, frail, hungry, looking up into my eyes with expectation. Hoping that one day her loving master would give her something, ANYTHING to eat. The day never came. Oh no no no, it did not. Little Gizmo just slowly wasted away into kitty litter scented dust. Just another feline blowing in the wind (wind blowing sound here). I was nothing but a poor student. Living day-to-day on a weekly wage that wouldn’t keep a candle aflame. I was broke. Book smart, but still broke.

It just seemed so easy to go to the supermarket and buy all of my shit in one place. No mucking around, just unadulterated speed shopping. Although something seemed a little peculiar, a little odd, a little… queer. My curiosity came about the same time as my instant poverty. Why was everything so expensive? I was buying all the same crap that I would normally buy: Toilet paper, bacon, lettuce, milk, bread, eggs, cleaning products, etc. Everything started to feel like it was costing twice as much as it did before. After a little minor research I was soon to discover that I was right! Things at the supermarket are actually that expensive.

Solution:

1. Shop at fresh food markets. Buy your dry goods from nut shops or direct-to-public wholesalers and buy your cleaning products/housey goods from bulk stores. This will call upon effort. But it will mean that you can dance off that little anus of yours; spend money on other useless space filling junk that you like to crowd your living room with, and most importantly keep your pet alive.

2. This solution is trickier in the short term but will be easier to sustain over time:

Firstly, get together with your housemates and get yourselves an ABN.

Then, set up a catering company (where your primary clients are yourselves as individuals) and ‘operate from home’. Approach companies within the industry who provide entire food solutions for catering companies, cafes, restaurants, etc.

Companies like these (providing that your credit is up to scratch or they like you) will not only supply you quality and massively affordable goods, they will even deliver them!

Think about that for a moment while you cradle the foot of your dead cat, you only have to shop at one place for anything you’ll ever need; you don’t have to leave the armchair to get it home and it is cheaper than anything you will buy anywhere. Hell, if there is something that they don’t stock that you want, they order it in for you at that same low price you’ve been enjoying with them the whole time. They will love you as well because you will be the only account they have that hasn’t racked up a massive credit with them.

So if you’re studying away from home be smart and poor instead of being broke and hungry.

Much love,

Uncle Jester