1 Comment Written by Uncle David Jester on April 28, 2010 – 9:00 am

Good morning to all of you out there in inter-spaceland. It’s ol’ Uncle Jester here with the second installment of Where did I come from mummy? Which is where we explore the origins of basic western meals that have become mere staples over the years. Have you ever wondered how the meat pie, pavlova, fried chips, chocolate milkshake or the jam doughnut came wheezing and coughing into our lives?… You haven’t? Well, it’s time for some perverse enlightenment!

This week’s episode, breakfast cereal: Weet-Bix, Nutri Grain, Corn Flakes, Fruit Loops, AllBran and Granula. What’s Granula do I hear you ask? Read on and find out. Among other fun, loin-moistening facts learn about how the Seven-Day Adventists tangoed their pure little tushies into your cereal bowl…

It all started in the mid 1800’s (stay awake you Y generation affected computer game gnat).  James Caleb Jackson was sick of falling asleep after a heavy breakfast of eggs, sausage, potato, bacon, beans, mushrooms, steak, tomatoes, greens, BBQ sauce and maple syrup. He had shit to do and he needed his consciousness to do it. So Granula was born. Made out of heavy grains, the packaged breakfast cereal needed to be soaked overnight so the consumer could keep their 18th C chompers intact. Unfortunately being a doctor of Hydropathy [Jackson's day job] doesn’t mean that you are in touch with reality. He did not predict that the tough old  Granula was doomed from the start because of the effort required to prepare just one bowl.

R.I.P Granula.

Next came along the Kellogg brothers –both avid Seven-Day Adventists (SDA). John and Will were firm supporters of the early ‘vegetarian movement’. You see, Seven-Day Adventists believe that spiritual well-being from the inside out. Diet plays a heavy role in this belief, you must be holier than bowel…

One of the brothers, Dr John Harvey Kellogg was the medical chief at the ‘Battle Creek Sanitarium’, a medical retreat owned and run by SDA. Dr Kellogg, like the SDA’s believed in a squeaky clean intestine, this resulted in two main conclusions:

1. Breakfast cereal was born to assist easy bowel flow and therefore good spiritual well-being

2. Every patient had water and yoghurt ploughed up their arse and down their throat via an enema machine to ensure their bowls were ’squeaky clean’. (This was for the good of their soul apparently).

After the successful testing the Kellogg brothers decided that maybe they should stick with cereals. Their patients agreed… silently. After the production and marketing of Corn Flakes as the ‘truly healthy start to your day’, the company took off like yoghurt to an enema machine – selling its one-millionth case after only three years.

So the next time you want to add a generous dollop of  fresh yoghurt onto your morning bowl of crispy Kellogg’s Corn Flakes, remember the true saviours, the lab rats that took it up the arse – for you.